Who Should Be Blamed for an Affair? My Honest Take on Adultery & Accountability

In the emotional wreckage that often follows the discovery of an affair, one question screams louder than the rest:

“Whose fault is this?”

As a family & divorce lawyer, I’ve seen this moment play out countless times. A spouse sits across from me sometimes shaking, sometimes stoic, often simmering with quiet rage. They’ve just found out about their partner’s affair. And as they begin to process the betrayal, the next logical question comes:

“Can I sue the third party?”

Legally yes, you can.

Extra-marital affairs

Under Malaysian divorce law, if your spouse had an extra-marital affair during the course of a valid marriage, you may file for divorce on the grounds of adultery. The law also allows you to bring in the third party (the person your spouse cheated with) as a co-respondent and sue them for damages. In short, you can make the third party pay.

And when I tell clients this, their eyes light up. There’s a flicker of hope that this small act of legal retaliation might somehow patch the gaping wound of betrayal. That maybe, just maybe, justice can be served.

But here’s the truth that most lawyers won’t say out loud:

I believe this law is outdated.

Not because affairs are right. Not because third parties should walk away unscathed. But because, as it stands, this law can distract us from where accountability truly belongs.

Let’s break this down.

• The third party did not stand at the altar and vow to stay faithful to you.

• The third party did not promise to love you in sickness and in health.

• The third party did not share a life, a home, or children with you.

Your spouse did.

So why do we direct the weight of the blame and the pursuit of damages toward someone who never signed up for the marriage contract in the first place?

When we zoom in on the third party, we risk missing the bigger picture. We sometimes use the lawsuit as a shield, to avoid asking the real and painful questions:

• What role did I play in the unraveling of my marriage?

• Were there unmet emotional or physical needs in the relationship?

• How did our communication, connection, or intimacy break down?

• Is my spouse’s affair a symptom of something deeper?

Please hear me: I am not condoning cheating.

Affairs cause real harm. The betrayal cuts deep, and the grief is valid. But if we want healing, not just vengeance, we need to look at the full ecosystem of the marriage, not just the intruder who stepped in.

Here’s another hard truth:

Suing the third party may give you a temporary sense of justice. But will it give you closure?

I’ve seen clients walk out of court with a favourable judgment and still feel broken. Because legal victory doesn’t always equal emotional healing.

The law must evolve to reflect the reality of modern relationships.

We must begin to ask:

• How do we hold spouses accountable for the promises they break?

• How do we encourage deeper reflection, responsibility, and emotional maturity in our legal system?

• How do we support aggrieved spouses not just with compensation but with healing?

If you’ve been betrayed, you deserve support. You deserve truth. And you deserve healing that goes far beyond the courtroom.

Sometimes, justice isn’t about who pays. Sometimes, justice is about who grows.

Should you have any queries regarding divorce, please do not  hesitate to contact me via WhatsApp on +6012 5325660 or email info@piyalawchambers.com